The Hill I Am Willing to Die On

The crazy in our world seems to get worse, literally, every single day. If it’s not the forthcoming election here in the U.S., and the extreme nonsense that goes into that, it is the pandemic of COVID-19. If it’s not the pandemic, it’s things like “pizza-gate,” kids ‘disappearing,’ human trafficking, and sex slavery. (Side rant: Nearly half a million children are reported missing EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. In the U.S. alone! I’m sorry, folks, but 460,000 kids do NOT just vanish into thin air every year!) There are many days that it is entirely too much for my anxious, empathetic, sensitive heart, and I just have to “turn it off.”


“Operation Not Forgotten” was conducted by the U.S. Marshalls and several other law enforcement agencies recently. It was a two-week operation to find and rescue missing children. There were thirty-nine children rescued during those two weeks. THIRTY-NINE. CHILDREN. (CBS.com) (CNN.com) (Foxnews.com)


I keep hearing and seeing things about “sexual attraction to children,” AKA PEDOPHILIA, being just a ‘sexual orientation’ that ‘can’t be helped.’ I’m sure you’ve seen it, too, if you are on social media at all. I hope it’s not true, and they aren’t genuinely trying to make this a thing. I do, but at this point, nothing would surprise me. There is already a term whose intention it is to desensitize us to it; MAP. It stands for “Minor Attracted Person,” or “an adult person attracted to minors.” Really, people?!? I’m here to tell you that this is not okay.


I’m also here to tell you that I don’t care what the adult “feels,” it destroys a child. It breaks them. It makes them question everyone (even themselves) and everything. It often causes them to experience things like anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts/tendencies, etc. It CHANGES WHO THEY ARE because one is NEVER the same after this.


Like many of the abused, missing, and exploited children today, most of my trauma was caused by people close to me; parents, siblings, a so-called “friend,” and babysitter. I have been a victim of parental kidnapping paired with emotional and mental abuse by a parent. A family member has sexually assaulted me and a babysitter tried to. I have dealt with the consequences of their actions for my entire life. I plan to go into that more later on as I write out my story. The point is that I have been through what so many kids are currently going through, and I can’t “just turn it off” anymore. My anxious, empathetic, sensitive heart just won’t let me.


Neither will God. We have decided, God and I, that THIS is the hill on which I am willing to die. THIS is the thing for which I will fight. They do not have a voice of their own, so we (and I’m talking to myself here) need to step up and be their voice. Our children are an inheritance and a blessing from the Lord. (Psalm 127:3) They are NOT possessions. They are NOT for sale. Not for sex, not for parts, not for ANYTHING.


I don’t know how long it will take me, but I will be sharing more of my story. Please be kind. It is a long, hard story to tell, but I genuinely believe it can help someone. I feel personally led by God to share this aspect of my life, as I experienced it, and as I remember it. It has affected me for my entire life, and this is how I have survived.


As I have said before, other people are a part of my story, and it is impossible to tell my story without telling at least a portion of theirs. Much of my trauma happened twenty-five years ago. There has been justice served, time served, and healing happening in individuals and relationships. When I tell of things that I have experienced, please understand that it is not my intention to tear anyone else down, not even those who did what they did. I know that everything done in darkness will be revealed in the light. The only way that I, my family, and others, are truly going to defeat this evil is for us to own it, acknowledge it, learn from it, and DO DIFFERENTLY for the generations coming after us.


I am just a small town, Texas girl, who loves Jesus, believes that He has saved me, and wants me to use the mess of my trauma as a message of hope and love. The sincere hope and prayer of my heart are that if you read my story, you find the message of hope and keep fighting!


If you are currently experiencing any of these things; if you are a victim of human trafficking, sex slavery, parental kidnapping, abuse, assault, trauma, etc. my plea to you is this; keep fighting! Even if it’s just fighting to stay alive one more day, people are fighting for you!


If you have gotten out of/been rescued from any of these things and are learning who you are now (because you are NEVER, EVER the same after this), keep fighting. Keep fighting for your healing. Keep fighting for your future. Please know that it is not your fault. It is not okay. People are fighting for you!


If you are a kid who has or is experiencing ANY of the things I talked about, keep fighting. Keep telling grown-ups in your life until one of them listens. We are listening. We will not ignore this TRUE pandemic anymore. People are fighting for you!


Dear Ones, We have GOT to do better for our kids! This generation. My generation. My friends, siblings, cousins, etc. that experienced the things we did as kids, at the hands of the adults in our lives, We say NO MORE! NOT OUR KIDS and NEVER AGAIN! We have the power to stop this horrific pandemic of buying, selling, using, and abusing children!
It’s going to require that we get bold, though. It’s going to require that we decide that our children’s lives, health, and future are WORTH telling OUR stories. Worth bringing this demon out into the light, exposing it for what it is, and healing from it.


Ephesians 6:10-12 says, “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
It is time to take a stand. We cannot ignore this silent epidemic any longer.


I will continue to use my blog platform to tell you of my story, struggles, wins, and losses with anxiety. However, I also plan to use it as a place of bringing awareness to this ever-growing pandemic of buying, selling, using, and abusing our children. Put on your armor! It is time for a fight!

~Forever In His Grip

LB

It’s All Him

Good Morning, All!

Ya’ll! I am plum worn out! I can’t seem to get through my day without a nap and going to bed super early in the evening…like 8 o’clock pm kind of early. We have been adjusting to a new schedule recently and it’s kicking my booty. Kermit and I are on the same page; I thought this meme pretty much sums it up…

B was on a 12 hour compressed shift at work; which just means he alternated between working 4- 12 hour shifts a week and 3- 12 hour shifts a week. It was great because that meant that he had either 3 or 4 days off a week (with the exception of overtime days). We were able to plan more things to do together and with the kids because he had those days off. Now he is working 8 hour shifts, Monday- Friday, with very little opportunity for overtime. It has been good for us in other ways, though. I really like having him home earlier in the day. We have the opportunity to do things in the evenings, we are able to have dinner at a normal time. (We were eating dinner as late as 8 or 9 pm. Now we can eat at 5:30-6:00, like normal people!) He’s always off on Sunday, which allows us to start having our big family dinners on Sunday afternoon after church. Change is really, really hard for me, so I just try to focus on the positive things about the change.

One of the things that helps me manage my anxiety is routine. I struggle with change, especially last minute change that I wasn’t expecting/prepared for. I do really well when I have a predictable daily routine. However, I also have to work hard to not become SO dependent on my routine, that I panic if something doesn’t go according to my “plan” for the day. So, I am working on finding a new routine, that works for me, that I can “go with the flow” of the day and get through the day.

In one of my previous posts, I wrote about my routine for the very first part of my day; which is waking up early enough to have coffee, prayer, and bible time with Brian before he goes to work. The next part of my day is my favorite…

After I get back from taking him to work, while the house is still dark and quiet, I make a comfortable spot on my favorite couch, brew a fresh cup of coffee, and write. My goal is to write and have “me time” before I wake my kids up for breakfast and school. It seems to help me set the tone for the day and it makes me feel productive. Definitely more productive that coming home and going back to bed until noon and wasting half of my day.

Sometimes I write in my personal journal. Sometimes I write here, on this blog. Sometimes I write love notes to B to stick in his lunch bag the next day. Sometimes I write out prayers that I am praying for different people or situations in my life. Writing is so very therapeutic for me and I thank you for taking the time to read the things that I write.

I have been sharing my life and experiences with anxiety and other mental health disorders here on this blog for a couple of months now. I’ve told you about the worst panic attack of my life and about how my journey led me to therapy. I’ve told you about my husband, B , and the amazing support and love that he shows me on a daily basis. I even did a whole post about what the phrase “Like a Boss” means to me and why I gave my blog that name.

Now is the time, perhaps, that I share with you the truth about HOW I deal with my mental health disorders and physical ailments on a day to day basis. I feel that if I am going to share the struggle, I need to also share the answer.

In November of 2018 my anxiety was at an all time high and the depression had me at an all time low. I struggled to breathe, all day every day. I barely got out of bed. Nothing brought me joy. I couldn’t crochet or write or get through a day without a panic attack of some level. Even being close to my kids caused symptoms of anxiety- irritability, nausea, etc. B and I had the biggest fight/struggle/conflict that we had ever had and…I left.

I told him that I was done. I was ready to “check out.” Out of our relationship and out of life. I. was. done. I left our house and started driving in the direction of the hospital. The broken feeling that flooded my mind, heart, and body intensified and as I approached a large bridge I said aloud “God, if you are there and You are real, I’m going to need You to show up, RIGHT NOW!” I had every intention of slamming my car into the side of the bridge and falling over it, hopefully to my death. I knew that I could not continue to live with the weight of all of this “stuff,” in fact, I didn’t want to live anymore at all. I couldn’t see anything but the hard, the heavy, the struggle.

The truth is that I have only found ONE way to get through the hard, the heavy, and the struggle. He showed up that day. He spoke to the deepest part of my heart and gave me a hope that the hard and the struggle would end. So instead of running my car off of the bridge, I drove home, to my husband. We sat together and prayed and cried and held on to each other for dear life.

Jesus met us there, in our bedroom, that day. He flooded my heart with a peace that just didn’t make any sense. Does that ever happen to you?! You are in a situation and you should be all kinds of worked up, angry, etc. but you just have this calmness, this peace, this assurance that it really will all be okay?

After that day, all I could do was read His word, listen to worship music, pray, and write in my journal. I wrote and wrote and wrote. I wrote down everything that I felt that He was saying to me. I wrote down prayers; for me, for my family, for people who had hurt me. I wrote down goals and visions for our future that He spoke to my heart. In “christian terms” I was “ON FIRE” for God. There was this huge high, where I couldn’t get enough of Jesus, and I wasn’t feeling anxious, and I was getting out of bed and being productive and I just FELT GREAT.

That particular “high” season ended somewhere around May of this year. It didn’t slowly fade…it just stopped. I stopped writing again, I stopped worshiping, I stopped reading my bible, I stopped praying. Everything just stopped. Guess what happened next?? The anxiety crept back up, the depression spiked up, the exhaustion came back and it was all I could do to stay out of bed for a few hours a day. June is when the panic attack that put me in the hospital happened. (You can read about that here) I started feeling, again, that this was never going to end; that I’m going to have this struggle for my entire life and I just have to “manage.” Ya’ll, that’s a pretty depressing place to be; to feel like there is NO hope that it will EVER get better. That you are just stuck there and there is nothing you can do about it.

I just felt stuck there, and so I stayed there for a few weeks… again. Why?! I don’t really know, these things are not logical, but I stayed with the anxiety and the depression. I stayed in bed for days on end. B has said that I went weeks without ever smiling at all. It was a deep, dark place to be. That’s when my doctor sent me to a psychiatrist, who sent me to therapy. The full story about that can be found here.

Now it is October and B and I strive to wake up at 5am each morning so that we have time to spend together, with Jesus. I make our coffee and he plays worship music and gets ready for work. We sit on our bed and pray together. Then we open God’s word and read it, discuss it, and seek to understand its truth and how it applies to, and affects us today. We ask Him for His peace, calmness, love, and mercies to be with us that day; and for His guidance, direction, and protection.

Long story short…Jesus is my answer. He is my answer for anxiety, depression, and PTSD. He is my answer for the triggers that still exist and try to keep me trapped. He is my answer for how I homeschool and raise my kids. He is my answer for having a healthy marriage and healthy friendships. It is Jesus, ya’ll. Jesus is the only reason I am still alive. He keeps my head above the water, so I can keep my eyes on Him through the storms. He meets me right where I am and hears me when I call out to Him.

You’ll find, as this blog continues, that a lot of (but not all of) my writings will have content that relates to Jesus and the bible, and how it all shapes and steers my life.

I pray that all of this comes across how I actually intend it; to be encouraging, uplifting, and possibly even helpful to those that read it. The things that I write about have been my personal experiences in my life. Not all of it has been sunshine and roses. There has been much darkness and trial and struggle. However, this is what I believe helps me deal with my mental health issues, as well as my physical health. It is Jesus. I believe that as I read His word and draw closer to Him, He gives me a peace and a calmness that beats out the anxiety and chaos. The bible tells us that we will have struggles, trials, failures, hurt and heartbreak in this life. Ahhhhh…but Jesus! He doesn’t always take it all away; but He does ALWAYS help me through it. And that is why “It’s all Him.”

What struggles do you face right now? What have you found that helps work for you in managing/dealing with your struggles? How can I pray for you? Feel free to leave a comment below and let’s open the dialog about these things.

Forever In His Grip,

LB